


Poker Face

by agent_florida



Series: cadmiumahoy series [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-11
Updated: 2010-03-11
Packaged: 2017-11-23 17:06:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/624535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_florida/pseuds/agent_florida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>North Carolina takes major pity on York and schemes a way to sink Wash’s battleship, as long as we’re mixing metaphors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Poker Face

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Knight to H3](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/15302) by cadmiumahoy. 



NC turned around from reading the letter to stare back at a very naked, very chocolate-covered, very compromised York. “Do you have any idea what this says?”  
  
“Honest to God, I have no idea.” He hoped the panic in his eyes would confirm he was telling the truth, but trying to say anything even remotely dignified when he had ‘Fuck me’ written on his chest was an exercise in futility.  
  
“Well, first of all, Wash has terrible taste in alcohol. Second of all, this is apparently a game… which is where he’s losing me. Because he knows I don’t follow the rules, so what’s…”  
  
“I think the plan was for you to be irresistibly attracted by the naked man handcuffed to your headboard that currently has chocolate sauce slathered all over him,” York deadpanned.  
  
NC raised an eyebrow. “You’re getting chocolate on my sheets. I’m less than impressed.”  
  
“Wash just wants to humiliate me. No big deal.”  
  
“Well, it’s certainly working.” She scanned over the letter again. “So many loopholes. York, your boyfriend is shit at writing rules.”  
  
“What? Mine were simple.” York shrugged as well as he could, even though by this point his shoulders were nearly falling out of their sockets.  
  
“Oh, really.” And there was that ‘do tell’ look on NC’s face again.  
  
“I’m supposed to do whatever you two say, and then if I do end up sleeping with either of you, I have to tell the other one and the ruse is up.” She was looking at him with her laser eyes again, and it was scaring him. “What? What do I not know?”  
  
“ _The game is this: the first one of us to have any kind of sexual intercourse with Agent New York is the loser._  Okay, first of all, ‘sexual intercourse’? I don’t know what he thinks that means, but I suppose I can eat that chocolate off of you without losing. Having it on human bodies is a waste.”  
  
“Couldn’t agree more,” York griped. It was sticky and still slightly cold, and he was a right mess.  
  
“But… and this is where he loses me… apparently he only wins if I have sex with you. York, he wants us to sleep together to salvage his pride.”  
  
One of the main reasons York hated having his wrists over his head was that it made his shrugs imperceptible, and also that attempting to shrug felt like he was dislocating his own joints. “I’m not averse to it.”  
  
“York, no offense, but I don’t even  _like_  you.”  
  
He pouted. “Why not? What did I ever do to you?”  
  
She set the letter down and walked to the bed. For a second he was afraid she would slap him across the face, but instead she was fiddling with his handcuffs. A few moments later, he was free, rubbing his wrists as she handed his clothes back to him. “Do you really  _want_  me to list why I don’t like you? You flirted with my sister extensively the day we first moved in.”  
  
He glared back at her as he shimmied back into his sweatpants. “I didn’t know she was your sister.”  
  
“That’s your best excuse? You should have said ‘I didn’t notice her engagement ring.’”  
  
“So I flirted with your sister. So what?” He leaned back on her bed; he couldn’t leave with chocolate sauce still on him.  
  
“You also ruined her dress.” She pointed at the pile of fabric still on the floor.  
  
“Wash’s fault,” he reminded her. “And remind me again what I did to you? So far, this has all been about Carolina. Unless you’re talking about that night we…”  
  
“York.” It was a warning. “I was drunk. I never should have had so many Cosmos and Whiskey never should have talked you into taking me home.” Then she paused for a second. “Don’t tell me Wash knows about that.”  
  
“Pretty sure he doesn’t.” It was York’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.” At NC’s look of astonishment, he said, “Yes, I know some Shakespeare. Try not to act too surprised.”  
  
“Methinks thou art a general offense and every man should beat thee,” she sniped back.  
  
“Touche.”  
  
“You know, your boyfriend’s a jerk,” NC said suddenly, reaching forward a finger to swipe some of the chocolate from York’s chest.  
  
“That is… not true,” York said feebly.  
  
“Oh, come on. He left you here covered in chocolate and he wants you to cheat on him. And he’s not even giving you a choice. That’s not exactly fair.”  
  
“You know what they say,” York sighed. “All’s fair in-“  
  
“I thought we were done with the witty quips?” After a beat spent sucking on her finger, NC continued. “Why do you stay with him?”  
  
“The sex is good. I’m a kinky bitch and he’s very… receptive to new ideas.”  
  
“More information than I ever wanted to know,  _thankyouverymuch_.” She licked the last of the chocolate from her finger. “You know, this really is shitty chocolate. You’d think he’d know how to seduce someone.”  
  
“Maybe it’s meant to be licked directly off the subject’s body,” York suggested.  
  
NC’s characteristic death glare softened as York stared right back. “Well, guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.” She stuck her tongue out as her face came closer to his chest, but he was unprepared for the sudden sensation of a wet mouth on his nipple, sucking and licking the food from his body. Fifteen seconds later, she was shaking her head. “Didn’t make a difference. Still shitty chocolate.” She picked up his shirt from the floor. “Get dressed, you’re going back to Wash and taking him a message.”  
  
“I still have chocolate on me,” York pointed out.  
  
“I really don’t care.” She left the bed and started scribbling on the notepad and pen that Wash had left for her. “You really have to do whatever I say?”  
  
“That’s the rules.” And oh, how he wished they weren’t.  
  
“Then I’m ordering you to sleep with Wash. Seriously, I don’t want to have sex with you. Ever. And either he gets that, or he’s going to be celibate for the rest of his life.” But before York could leave, NC forced a sheet of paper into his hands. “And leave that for him to read. Wait, hold on a sec.” After another thirty seconds’ worth of frantic scribbling, York now had two notes in his hand. “That’s how you’ll get him. Burn it when you’re done reading it.”  
  
“Yes, ma’am,” he said glumly. He didn’t know how he was going to go a full day with the words ‘Fuck me’ now stained into his favorite tee shirt.  
  
\---  
  
When Wash stumbled out of the shower, he saw that York had broken in while he had been bathing. “What the hell are you doing back here?” he wondered out loud. He was so sure NC had eaten him alive by now.  
  
“NC slept with me.” He didn’t sound proud, which was odd to Wash. “And she told me how to make it up to you, so here goes.” He cleared his throat. “I promise, always, to take it up the ass from you from now on. Apology accepted?”  
  
Wash frowned down at York, who was begging like a puppy in front of him. “Why does your shirt say ‘Fuck me’?”  
  
“She said it was shitty chocolate.”  
  
Then his frown turned into a smirk. “You were never a good liar. You didn’t have sex with her, did you.” It wasn’t a question. “I’m assuming she put you up to that to see if I would fall for it. Though I do like your promise.”  
  
“It doesn’t hold. She told me to say that so I would be humiliated.” He tried to put his best endearing pout on his face. “I just thought it would make you less mad at me.”  
  
“Well, I’m still mad at you, and NC and I still have a score to settle. If she ends up blackmailing me, I will murder her in her sleep.”  
  
“She’s already said she’s not going to have sex with me,” York whined. “Can’t we just put this behind us?”  
  
“No,” Wash said firmly. “I’m a petty person and you haven’t learned your lesson yet. Besides, you don’t get laid until one of us gets laid. Even if she doesn’t give in, you probably would.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure she’s not going to ‘give in’ to me ever again,” York pointed out.  
  
But then Wash crossed his arms in front of his chest, a sign York had picked up on that he had just learned new and potentially valuable information. “What do you mean, ‘ever again’?”  
  
“I don’t think she wants me to tell you about that.”  
  
“Did she order you not to tell me?” Wash asked. York shook his head ‘no.’ “Then I’m ordering you to tell me.”  
  
York sighed. This game was getting awfully annoying awfully quickly. “The first weekend we were all here, when Maine did that pub crawl, she and I… ended up fooling around. I didn’t seal the deal or anything like that, but ever since then, it’s like she can’t help but be nasty to me.”  
  
“Interesting.” Wash tapped a finger against his arm. “Anything else you’ve been lying to me about?”  
  
“Why do you always assume I’m lying to you?” York stood from his begging position. “You know what, screw this. I’m going to go ‘get my knee checked out’ in the med bay before you break it for me. Oh, and NC says to read this.” He threw a folded square of paper at Wash as he walked out the door.  
  
Before the door closed, Wash could hear York run into Wyoming in the hallway, asking why there was a stain on York’s shirt in the shape of ‘Fuck me,’ but once the door slammed shut, Wash was too interested in the note from NC to take much heed to the situation outside.  
  
 _Dearest darlingest Washingtonian,_  
  
You never mentioned anything about not telling people before the game was up. Should I tell Carolina about what really happened to her dress, or are you going to come up with something more convincing to bribe me with? The chocolate was a nice touch, but next time, go for a name brand – whatever off-brand you used was definitely not up to scratch. As it is, get used to being celibate. There’s no way I’m sleeping with York.  
  
Other than that, the rules seem fair, as long as I get to break them. You know how I am with rules.  
  
XOXO  
  
PS. You have shitty taste in alcohol. I demand a bottle of Tanqueray Rangpur Gin and tonic to match. 


End file.
